WELL, I CAN TELL STORIES, TOO!

By Griff Ruby

Not long ago I encountered a silly story made by some pretended "Indultarian" who, in a clear attempt to misrepresent the situation, portrayed the SSPX as being some peculiar neighborhood boy who does good deeds in the community and teaches other little boys and girls to disobey and disrespect their parents. Such a story is not only absurd, but a blasphemy against God.

Update: The ending of the story was recently changed from "The name of that little boy's friend was Sspx." to "The boy knew deep down what was right, and in the end he chose his family. His bad friend became his enemy, but his family was more important." Perhaps this is in response to my more complete and accurate rendition of the true story.

Well, I can tell stories, too! And somebody needs to set the record straight and to put such a blasphemous story as that in its true context, so here goes:

There once was a nice, loving family known as the Catholics. They were a very large family (which is natural for Catholics since they oppose contraception), to the point that just about a quarter of all the children attending the neighborhood school belonged to it. Its wise and good father, Mr. Pius Catholic was a good provider who saw to it that every mouth was fed with wholesome and nutritious meals prepared by his lovely wife, Mrs. Tradition Catholic, and saw to it that the children were safe at home from all evil influences in the town. And so it was until something changed.

Mr. Catholic decided to change his name to John and Paul, and with that change, also changed his attitudes about a great many things. Before, the children were all expected to be home in time for dinner and not to go out of the house after dark, but afterwords it was all right with him if the children did not come home for dinner at all, and even if they slept over at other houses without even asking. Mr. Catholic himself also began refusing to eat any meals prepared by Mrs. Catholic, but instead ate out at the greaseburger restaurant and other sources of junk food and candy all the time, and began encouraging the children to do the same. Many of the children preferred the junk food Mr. Catholic was now pushing on them to the nutritious meals which Mrs. Catholic faithfully continued cooking, even though their stomachs began to hurt and other effects of malnutrition began to show.

Even worse, Mr. Catholic began having affairs with the the other women in the town, with Miss Anglican across the street, Miss Lutheran next door, Miss Orthodox and Miss Jew on the other side of town, and so forth. Sometimes he would bring some of his children to some of these immoral liasons, perhaps to "show them the ropes." The wonderful and nutritious meals Mrs. Catholic prepared every day went largely unconsumed while Mr. Catholic simply ridiculed her cooking in front of the children, and soon began abusing her verbally, and in time even with violence.

At length, it got so bad that Mrs. Catholic moved out altogether and began renting an apartment across town. She took with her as many of her children as she could, primarily the ones who understood and appreciated the value of her nutritious cooking. Mr. Catholic responded by shouting "Fine! I’ll just divorce you then!" And so he did. The courts, in their typical humanistic fairness (wishing to impose neither one system of values on the children nor another), awarded joint custody of all the children to both parents.

Meanwhile, Mr. Catholic simply stepped up his immoral liasons, now that Mrs. Catholic was out of the house, and especially now that he no longer needed to sneak around. His new lovers included Miss Voodoo, Miss Snake-Worshipper, Miss Moslem, Miss Buddhist, Miss Hindu (who gave him a little red dot on his forehead), and indeed everyone who would sleep with him. One day he even held a giant love-fest orgy at a disused Franciscan facility, and at which nearly all of his lovers attended. Meanwhile, Mrs. Catholic continued to insist that Mr. Catholic was still her husband, civil divorce proceedings (still in progress) notwithstanding, although some few of her children insisted that Mr. Catholic was no father to them at all, and one even kept trying to fix her up with Linus, or Michael, or Lucien, or Whoever, although Mrs. Catholic had no interest in any of that.

The children for their part were miserable over this unhappy state of affairs. Although Mr. Catholic still claimed about one sixth of the children who were slated to attend school (many of whom in their confusion and pain having become juvenile delinquents who were frequently truant), far fewer than that would ever be found in his house anymore. Many left the household altogether so as to get away from it all; many others would only come around for Christmas, Easter, and other special occasions. Many others followed their "father" to the houses of the Anglicans, the Lutherans, the Jews, the Moslems, the Buddhists, the Hindus, the Voodoos, and the Snake-Worshippers, and then went him one better by also attending the houses of the Atheists, the Wiccans, the Satanists, the Drug Pushers, the Street Gangs, and the house of Mr. Pimp and Miss Prostitute. Some of the daughters began hanging out at the house of the Goddess-Worshippers because Ms. Goddess-Worshipper promised them that they could become priestesses of the new Goddess religion. Even Mr. Catholic thought that last was going just a bit to far, but he did nothing to stop them.

All of this was perfectly fine with Mr. Catholic who so neglected his children that he neither knew nor cared about their comings and goings. The only thing that bothered him was that some of the children were staying with their mother, Mrs. Catholic. Even worse for him, the children staying with their mother looked far stronger and healthier than the ones who didn’t stay with their mother and who therefore had this lean and hungry look. He didn’t care where the children went as long as they didn’t go to their mother’s apartment, but about that he cared very much.

When some of the older children, back from a visit to the Drug Pusher’s or the Pimp & Miss Prostitute’s, would badger and bully the younger children, Mr. Catholic would look the other way, and the same if anyone of them asked for a square meal. Only if any of them threatened to "go live with mom" would they have a chance for that moment of justice or that "square meal." When the divorce was final, some of the children left their mother to go back to their "father." Whether it was because they wanted "father’s" candy, or the unlikely hope that their good influence might somehow bring "father" back to his former good senses, God alone knows their hearts.

Thinking he could trick all the children away from their mother he even began serving substantial meals for some of those few who wanted them, especially to those who left their mother. But the immoral liasons continued. In one of them with Miss Moslem Mr. Catholic even kissed a book denouncing Catholicism. A little later on he contracted a civil marriage accord with Miss Lutheran. Even some of Miss Lutheran’s children out in Missouri could see how fake and hypocritical that was. The rest of those children staying with Mrs. Catholic saw through the ruse and wanted nothing to do with it, although some began telling their brothers and sisters about how good it was being with their mother and being truly fed, housed, clothed, and looked after, as their mother still did for them all.

Mr. Catholic truly hated his ex-wife Mrs. Catholic, and devoted much efforts to poisoning the minds of the children remaining in his house against her. Mr. Catholic would lie to everyone he met about the court proceedings, claiming that he was awarded sole custody of the children, even though the court records show otherwise, for those few who are willing to take the time to check them out. He even began denying that Mrs. Catholic existed at all, although he also contradicted himself many times saying that he was both father and mother of the children.

The one thing he did not want was for the remaining children to play with the happy children living with their mother, Mrs. Catholic, and so he spread those lies, and encouraged some of the more aggressive and mean-spirited children to invent stories of their own against their own mother and those brothers and sisters staying with her. So it is we find that when some of his children began playing with one those who "forsook not the Law of [his] mother," Sspx by name, one of the bullies of the family was only all too glad to concoct the former story which occasioned my response with this one.

So in the best Paul Harvey tradition, "…and now you know, the REST of the Story."